Of the approximately eleventy billion al-Qur’an in the original Star Wars Expanded Universe , there are the hallowed ( the Thrawn Holy Writ by Timothy Zahn ) , the good ( the X - Wing books ) , the uncollectible ( The Jedi Academy ) , and the mediocre ( … most of them ) . And then there ’s The Crystal Star , a novel so bad it ruined me . Let this clause serve as a monition to the rest of the galax .
In full revealing : In the past , I ’ve fight back Crystal Star as being “ not as unsound you consider . ” For one thing , unlike The Courtship of Princess Leia , it did n’t ruin something fans were depend specifically forward to . ( Yes , I ’m still pissed Han and Leia got married after he kidnapped her to prevent her from ending up in an arranged marriage designed to get arms for the New Republic . ) For another , I always said that one uncollectible book did n’t beat a uncollectible series or trilogy of book , since it ’s throttle to a exclusive book .
I will admit to being stupid . It became extravagantly clear from the very first pageboy of Crystal Star that I had obstruct out a lot what made this book so awful . It ’s like my wit , in self defense , had deleted almost all of the contingent of Crystal Star . I owe the Corellian Trilogy a monumental apology — I had merged the snatch of the Solo tyke from Crystal Star into the kidnapping in those books . In my refutation , those child get kidnap a lot . Like , way more than they should , give how important their parents are and that they ’re really knock-down in the Force . Han and Leia are really irresponsible parents is what I mean I ’m saying here .
Anyway , the point is that I did n’t really bed what I was aim into when I volunteer to reread the playscript for the next installment of “ excruciate Katharine by Forcing Her to Reread the Worst Star Wars Books in Existence . ” I was … unprepared .
Crystal Star is sorry from the very first Thomas Nelson Page . The pitiable quality of the prose hits you like a clenched fist in the boldness . And then it just keep punching you until you decide to that you and the hurting are just going to have to populate together forever now . I present page two of this nightmare :
A crater was ripped into the soft skunk . The leafy blade had been flatten into a circle around the new patch of empty poop .
A pressure bomb ! Leia thought in horror .
A press bomb had gone off , near her baby .
They are n’t deadened ! she recount herself . They ca n’t be , I ’d know if they were deadened !
The exclamation point do n’t make Leia seem like she ’s panicking , they make her seem like a simpleton . grant , everyone in this Word of God is an idiot , but this is where I repoint out that Leia is , at this precise present moment , the political head teacher of the New Republic . And this is her interior soliloquy !
The book opens with the flack on Munto Codru where Leia is on a diplomatical mission . Munto Codru is a planet where the people who populate it are humanoids with four arm . But they start life as elephantine six - legged dogs before enter a cocoon . The bounder form ? “ Wyrwulves . ”
NO . Go back and look at that again . If I had to study about the horrendous youngster - dogs with the misspelled name , SO DO YOU . Every prison term I take the word “ wyrwulf , ” another part of me died . This is rule one of bad skill fabrication and phantasy writing : include something from our world , but import it all X - TREME . I ’m shocked it is n’t peppered with random apostrophe , the other adaptation of this trope that I ’ve seen far too often .
Later in the Christian Bible , there ’s a centaur who befriends the Solo children . A CENTAUR .
Munto Codru is a major planet with a retentive custom of kidnapping the fry of significant people . So of course Leia brought her nestling with her there . sound like a solid fucking programme , right there . LEAVE THE KIDS AT HOME FOR THIS ONE , LEIA . I swear to god this book says she had just sort of trusted in the Force to let her have intercourse when her kids were in risk . All of this is just the first chapter and , were I not under responsibility to finish this thing as part of my chore , I would have block up here . But there is much more pain to fall .
Because that is only chapter one , chapter two transmit Luke and Han on a secret commission to depend for some Jedi . Like so many characters here , Luke is a demo as an empty - channelize half-wit . Why ? Two reason : 1 ) The al-Qur’an ’s plot of ground does n’t exercise if characters are n’t dumb and 2 ) being dazed helps subvert Luke ’s Jedi power . In fact , since Han and Luke are undercover , Luke does n’t use a strong-arm camouflage . He uses the Force to make himself look dissimilar to others . Leslie Townes Hope that hold up when he ’s asleep or unconscious ! Or that none of the Jedi Luke ’s looking for are real and evil and can see through the Force fancy !
And Luke being easily led and a moron explain this :
“ Why ’d you want to follow that guy all the way out here ? ” he ask Luke , who posture on his bounder at the sharpness of the indoor pool , scooped his hand through the running piss , smelled then in short tasted it .
“ We require a native guide . ”
“ We ’re supposed to have one , ” Han point out .
“ And he might be utile to us , ”
Luke said . “ I doubt it , ” Han said . “ And … he cue me of Yoda . ”
“ You believe he might be one of the Jedi ? ”
“ I thought he might be . Now I do n’t mean so . But he could have been . ”
You thought he might be a Jedi because … he look like Yoda . Luke can habituate the Force to convert his feature , ca n’t sense another Jedi .
Also , in this chapter a succubus reach on Han and he reminisce about his previous encounter with them . Because this Word of God came from hell to test me .
Meanwhile , Han and Leia ’s three youngster have been conduct by Hethrir , who state them he is their “ hold - father ” ( I assume that ’s the Star Wars equivalent of “ godfather . ” ) He win over the nipper that their whole family died and they last with him now . Of course , he ’s a moron because the kids recognise that Han and Luke are on a secret delegation . Of of course , the adult are cretin because the preschooler managed to retrieve out about their secret missionary work .
Hethrir is supposed to be an evil Force - exploiter trained by Vader himself , but he ’s outsmarted by the nestling a lot . They figure out he ’s a liar right on away by saying Jacen is the sure-enough small fry , when it ’s Jaina . I ’d assume the kids of Han and Leia had a very document early life , but certain . The kids also find ways to rebel and keep making escape cock attempts .
Leia goes searching for her kids in her ship , The Alderaan . And she uses the completely believable pseudonym of “ Lelila . ” And she dyes her pilus brown and green . That ’s sure to hide your identity , Leia ! Enjoy this bit where Leia imagine disguising herself as man , which is one of the only thing I have retained of this book for 15 years :
She envied Han his beard . Such an easy way to hide one ’s face . She consider disguise herself as a man , but only for a bit .
In stories , she say to herself , princess always mask themselves as princes . But princesses in narration never have any hips . They never have any titty . No . I ’d look like a woman in disguise ; I ’d only draw more attention .
well to be unseeable .
I hate this writing so much I think it may in reality be a personal onset . This prose has intrude on my dreams , where it taunts me . Blandly .
Understand that I ’m only about halfway through the Holy Scripture right now . But suffice it to say , the evil plan involve Hethrir trying to wreak back the Empire . He ’s allied himself with a transdimensional blob of favorable semi - liquid , semi - gelatin covered in shell ( LOOK . I DON’T KNOW EITHER . ) call Waru . Waru want to go home and he wants to use the spirit of someone powerful in the Force to punch through the dimensional wall . Hethrir promise to get him someone if Waru will grant him top executive over the Force . The whole affair .
While Hethrir sets his plan in motion , Waru set himself up as a magical therapist , conglomerate acolyte by convincing them they demand his healing . He ’s actually suckle out their lifespan force to keep himself active . Han and Luke are lead to Waru , where Luke ’s Force affinity and the weird fix of the post they ’re on form him hang for Waru the immorality scaled Jell - group O third power ’s healing cozenage . LUKE . You ’re suppose to be a Jedi master !
Oh , but it gets better . Hethrir ’s plan was to give Han and Leia ’s youngest , Anakin ( oh , the fact that Leia make one of her nipper after the papa that tortured her is a debate for another sentence ) , to Waru . Leia and Han get in in time to save him , but not before Luke the Idiot offers himself in Anakin ’s place . And is engulfed in Waru ’s golden jelly mass . Leia jumps in after him . AND HAN . YOU HAVE JUST rescue YOUR THREE CHILDREN , ONE OF YOU SHOULD REALLY STAY BEHIND .
By the room , if you suppose that Crystal Star would blackout the trope bingo board by end the malevolent game with “ the love of children saves the world , ” congrats ! Because it ’s the kids address for their menage that photograph Leia and Luke out of it so they can wade out of Waru , who turned into a whirlpool . It ’s Crystal Star , I predict that ’s what happened and that there is n’t a real account .
Waru eats Hethrir and uses him to get out — why he did n’t do that in first place , I do n’t know and I do n’t care anymore — and then everyone has to flee because a star ’s collapsing . Much like my will to live as this book goes above the 400 - page chump .
Crystal Star is so much worse than I remember . It exist up to its reputation in every possible way . The writing is as childlike as the minds of its characters . The villains ’ programme make less than no sense , and they do not live up to being either an apprentice of Darth Vader or an intergalactic traveler with awing mightiness . The inclusion body of succubi , centaurs , and wyrwulves makes it even more idiotic . I do n’t know what happened , Vonda McIntyre is n’t a bad author , usually . But every single decision in this volume is bad .
To terminate this , I will share with you a flake of Han ’s inner soliloquy . Note the deficiency of flowing to the thoughts combined with the mirth that Han has had two sons , in two different Star Wars timelines go evil . The Force Awakens loses points for function this obvious and deadening route , but gains them back for not being as risky as the Star Wars Legends ’ many books on that composition :
Han seldom admitted his nightmares , but he had nightmare about what could happen to his children if they were tempt to the dingy side .
I ’ve read those books , I have those nightmares , too , Han .
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